on dirty underwear
Today underneath my cheerful floral sundress, I am wearing a boy’s boxer briefs instead of my own underwear, which were dirty. I keep catching myself thinking that I deserve some kind of award for good hygiene for making this choice that completely ignores the fact that two days ago I wore dirty underwear and dirty tights to my job selling suits and cocktail dresses to rich people. It also fails...
on filling an alone home
In just a few more days, I’ll be moving my things from a room in a Craigslist share, to my very own big-girl apartment; a basement that I’ve inherited from the same friend who got me my current job and regularly tells me I’m a gorgeous genius. I’ve never lived in a basement but I’m optimistic. More than anyone else, I have a sensitivity to natural light; preferring, at all times, dimness. I...
the doers and the sayers
I am left alone with a stranger while my friend, his roommate, plays hide and seek with some narcotics. I compulsively babysit all conversations so I quickly pull out my best opener. “What is your favourite thing in the world?” He says, predictably, “Music.” I ask if he is in a band. No. Not at the moment If he performs solo. No. Not currently. What instrument does he play? Oh, you know,...
my self-esteem is silly
Him: You're difficult to describe. You're just very unique.
Me: What does that mean?
Him: Like what does that word mean?
Me: No. Like do you mean unique like where I'm one of those unique girls? Like quirky?
Him: No! What? I mean unique. Like you are your own thing. Not like others.
Me: Oh...Thank you!
on being difficult
He said “I could do without the ‘tude.” And even though I could tell he was flirting, as I had been when I gave him the ‘tude, it still struck a nerve. As it happens, my ‘tude, has gotten me into some trouble of late. I have only been dumped twice and in both cases the reason was that I am too difficult. Too particular. That I squirm and fight (aka. have wants...
I like to kiss boys on the jungle gyms of public parks. I suggest it every time I find myself on one of those tender walks and it’s also night-time. There’s something very exciting about the way the equipment affords you the opportunity to climb coyly around and away in between embraces. Not to mention, while kissing, bodies can be pressed up against all manner of things. I am always aware of...
Without my noticing and without my consent, as if in the night, this city became...
fairy wands are garbage
Sometimes I work at a theatre that sometimes puts on a musical theatre production for sweet little girls. Always, during these productions, there’s a table of merchandise for sale. And sometimes I am the person behind it peddling overpriced plastic wands and cotton t shirts to the families who have come for an afternoon at the theatre. Because children make me nervous (it’s their naked honesty and...
I brought wine to this clothing swap. And so did everyone else. I also brought fresh cigarettes, old clothes and me, dressed in something especially ladylike and sweet. There’s a girl at this party who keeps handing me things she thinks I will like based on her understanding of my style. She gets me, she keeps saying. Because I have never met this girl before, this understanding blossomed entirely...
As a child, I considered the epitome of human beauty to be Marilyn Monroe, Betty...
Jesus, honey. If you have to eat that chocolate bar at least sit up and eat it...– me, I said this. To myself.
of course you do
This girl was cooler than you’d expect from a bank teller in a very conservative Polish neighbourhood. The woman handlingmymoney was exactly what you’d expect: middle aged, round, curt, her eyelids covered in an unflattering lavender eyeshadow. I’d been staring at her face and trying to remember if I had worn eyeshadow like this before when the other teller injected herself into...
Heathcliff, baby, take me away!
Her: I've been thinking. If I hadn't read Wuthering Heights at an impressionable age, I'd probably be in a healthy monogamous relationship right now.
Him: Yeah, but where's the fun in that?
and there it goes
And then suddenly, there was my friend’s hand, wearing an engagement ring, beaming at me from its Facebook frame. I clicked the button to like it, typed some encouraging comment in the box below, hit enter and then swiveled my chair away from the screen and proceeded to have a panic attack. I was not alone in the room. My ex-boyfriend was there to think I was petty and small if he were so...
had to be said
I’ve got no patience for all this, meme-boy. We both know you want to talk, so why this cat? Why all these cats? And to my non-response, you send more cats? Maybe a baby this time? Some weird little drawing of Jesus Christ? You searching for the one that’ll crack it? See, I don’t humour or indulge as a general rule. Isn’t it better that way? I’ll assume that this...
I can write the story around you. I can make it like it was always about you and I. I can dress up all the nothing between us as kismet. I’ll make legend out of things that only barely happened. We’ll share chills at something mundane made electric and whisper beneath the bed sheet “Of course, lover, of course…” I’ll write it so sweetly that I’ll forget doing it at all. Just fall back...
He (effectively, they all) screamed, Are you trying to make me crazy? To which she said nothing for a very long time until he started talking again because the answer was a secret and Yes.
slick skin and old clothes theme party
I’m at work and I keep telling these people I don’t really know that I’m hungover. They think I’m telling them because I think it’s cool. I’m actually doing it because I feel disgusting and think I look disgusting and I want to give them an explanation. My face is slick because it’s covered in yesterday’s make-up and sleep sweat. My hair is limp and I’m wearing yesterday’s clothes. When I...
dream girl →
This is who I would be if I didn’t have the hardest time being very cool.
When dealing with a long expanse of time in my own company, I often notice, over and over, that I’m gritting my teeth; my jaw locked as if awaiting an impact. Unsettled, I relax my face and fall back into whatever train of thought I had been so intently following before. Usually it’s speculating as to which part of the story I am in at that particular moment. Or how rewarding it would...
bolstering girl talk
It should come as no surprise that there is a significant difference between a rascal and a scoundrel. And yet, my friend, you’re always so confused by the outcome; by the man in the morning. The difference is the illusion not the act. A scoundrel will assume that his only ticket is to convince you that you’re treasured. This is a ticket but not the only one. A rascal will look you...
a sort of game
When you’re still on the subway that I’ve just left, I grab your eyes though the glass. I keep them for as long as the moving train will let me. You could take them back but it’s so much better if you don’t. I’ve practiced this smile. A woman with a secret. It’s a dare, I suppose. To keep looking. It’s nothing really. I only do it because I know...
He mentions, as we watch his kids play, that he’s from Essex County. He’s young like me so I ask if he’s read the graphic novel. He laughs and so does the room. I had asked a very very silly question. You fool, their eyes seemed to say. When a man is a father and owns a tractor and a boat and a house and worships the gods of stability and likes everyday to be a certain way,...